*there is no particular reason why I am typing this post. but there are some things you should know before you proceed to read (if you dare)
- I am going to be blunt, and honest.
- This is not a pity party, and I in no way want any pity you are willing to give. Sympathy will be accepted, but no pity.
- This doesn’t make me an expert on losing someone close to you, nor does it means I understand EXACTLY what everyone who experiences loss is going through.
(sorry about the picture quality, it’s a picture of a picture. i don’t have scanner.)
Most of you reading this already know, that my mom died 6 years ago.
I have never, and believe I will never experience something that hard ever again. Especially because of how ill equipped i was to handle something like that then. I was FIFTEEN years old. FIFTEEN. I look at 15 year olds in all their “infinite wisdom” and dramatic immature lives, and I know I was exactly like that. How.. how did I make it out alive?
But here I am, I’m what society considers an adult, and what the Utah valley culture considers an old maid. without my mom on this earth with me.
I have a testimony, and a patriarchal blessing that tells me that she is on the other side of the veil, helping me get through this life. But come on guys, we all know it’s not the same, it’s not the same to be able to just call your mom and complain about how work is stressing you out, and laugh about some ridiculous date you went on. Or to see her and give her a big hug.
Unless I die an early death (which I’m not planning on.) or the second coming comes in my lifetime, I have approximately 60 + years before I will get to see my mom again. That sucks balls.
Don’t get me wrong here, I’m not bitter. It’s just not easy. And don’t get me wrong a second time, I love the family that I do have around, ESPECIALLY my dad, my dad is amazing. But no one can be your mom. Not. a. single. person.
So I can cry and pout about it but it doesn’t change anything. But really what I’ve been trying to get at here, is to tell you about the woman who gave me life.
It isn’t HARD for me to talk about her, it’s just uncomfortable because people act strange when they know you lost your mom and you talk about her. They really do.
To the people who came into my life after the departure of my mother’s soul: you seriously missed out.
There is so much of her instilled in me, and 99% of it isn’t by choice. I’m okay with that.
Here are some things I share with my mom:
- Disorganized.
- Late, always running late.
- Thick eyebrows
- Dirty mind
- Able to find humor in penis shaped objects.
- Charming
- Accepting of others (including misfits)
- Loud belching
- Always choosing terrible men. (Except sometimes)
- Etc.
My mom , Marnie Elizabeth, was beautiful, and not like she was beautiful when she was young, she was beautiful her whole time on earth. not just on the inside.
I’m not just saying nice things about her because she died. I’d say these things about her if she was alive. I really would.
People were naturally drawn to her, she was so kind and inviting. She was so terribly wonderful at making you feel like everything was going to be okay.
Unfortunately, all of her love and compassion was wasted on several WORTHLESS men, that NEVER ever appreciated what a truly spectacular woman she was. And if I could stab them all in the stomach a few times for that, I probably would. But really, she wouldn’t want me to.
My mom loved to fish, and I HATED it. Until after she died. I am almost positive that when I decided I liked to go fishing a couple of years ago, she was probably making fun of me.
I’m crying right now, so that means this is a good exercise for me, if you are still reading this, thank you for joining me.
In all honesty, I feel so terrible that all of my mom’s friends (and other family) had to lose her. She was irreplaceable, and I want everyone to know that I am doing my best to keep a part of her here on this earth with all the traits I inherited from her.
My mommy, probably wasn’t much like your mommy. But she was (is) a perfect fit for me. And if you’ve ever wondered “Where does she come up with this stuff?”
Well, now you know, it’s in my blood. (thanks to my pa as well.)
I love you mom, (or mother, as my 2 year old self would have said.) I think about you everyday.
-Wumpie.
7 comments:
i cant believe its been six years. we're getting old dude. i didn't really know you then, but i remember the day. so here's a late, 'love ya kid'.
I didn't know you then either, but I remember it as well. I think you are amazing and I love you.
Im with Sue and Meg.. I only vaguely knew 'about' you then but it had an impact on me then too. I felt so bad for you, I cant even imagine how hard that would be! Im mentally hugging you, and I love so much to hear about how much you are like your mom! :) and youre right, she IS very beautiful! I love how even in the picture youre so young but look sooo much like her!:)
youve told me some stories about your mom before (when you gave me the highchair and etc) and I know it sounds silly but its had a big impact on me. what I love about your mom is that she sounds AMAZING ...and not the kind of amazing everyone makes everyone out to be just because theyre gone and missed, but really amazing and 'real' (<--meaning her sense of humor and etc) at the same time. lol does that make sense?
I just adore you girl, and am so glad Ive gotten to know you!
That was really beautiful. Made me tear up a bit. I only met her once, but I am glad that I did. You're amazing Kynz. And i love ya to pieces!
She must have been one strong willed person. I remember seeing you at the football game the following week and wondering how you were doing it. So, CONGRATULATIONS, on having an awesome mom and inheriting some of her awesomeness.
This is Sherry- That night will be FOREVER burned into my mind. We were all sick thinking about what was, before we knew what even happened. I love you Kynz, I'm glad that we are so close, and that our tragedies that have happened in our lives have made us bigger, stronger and especially more tenacious (especially you!) about living life and fighting for what we want and dream about. You have been through a WHOLE HELL of a lot, more than most could ever handle. Your the strongest person i know, and will ever know. You have held my hand through the worst and the best. You have always always always been there. I know that we will be friends for the rest of our lives and i hold that above all the rest, i love you. I know that there will be a lot more bullshit to come and ill be there for you always.
Hey cutie, that was great. Your mom is so proud of the woman you have become and I do see her in you. You radiate her. I have known her since my sophmore year and You are right, we were all drawn to her. She could make anyone in a huge room full of people feel like they were the most important person on earth. She had that talent. Just know that we are not her, however, if you ever need to talk or just miss her and want to hear some funny stories, we all are here for you. ANYTIME. All of her friends. You know who we are. I just recently found a video of Marn and Stace dressed up like Coneheads from the old Saturday Night Live. It was a Halloween party we went to and it is so funny. We will have to get together sometime and watch it. Know that you can even come and spend a night, weekend, a couple of hours, or even a few minutes when you are missing her. Just a phone call away. Any of us. We all love you!
Post a Comment