Dear Married Men.

If you check me out while you're with your wife and kid one more time, you're going to get a swift kick RIGHT IN THE PENIS! I am not interested, you're not really interested, there's no reason to even look. Yes, I'm gorgeous. But that's no concern of yours.

If you were single, I wouldn't want what you have to offer anyway.

This is mostly targeted at Mexican men, that is not racist, so shut up. And while we're on that, you Mexican men, even if you AREN'T married, I'm not a dog or a piece of meat. Don't hang out of your window and whistle, holler, or make monkey noises, you're really not helping anyone or anything out, especially what's left of your dignity.

It might look like that while I'm walking down the street I want you to blow kisses and scream sexual innuendos at me, I regret to inform you, I do not.

Scratch that, I don't regret it.

Also, I know the whole cliche about how women want what they can't have, which probably somewhere in your brain amidst the dubri of superbowl scores and images of strippers, you think that single women think married men are sexy, or some ludricous thing like that. Well kid, we do not.

I'm sorry if you feel like your efforts are wasted, or were offended because you were in fact, "just looking" But that ring on your finger is just not doing it for me.

Married men, you're married. If you can't control yourself, don't leave the house.

Thank you for your cooperation,
Me.