I'm not a woman anymore, I'm a mom.

Yes, I have flaws. What are they? Well for one, sometimes I become obsessed with making the world a better place.

Which is why I want to talk to you today MOM JEANS.

Whenever I see a fly lady rockin' this type of swag, i this song instantly starts playing in my mind. (to fully enjoy this post, i suggest playing that in the background while you read.)

For those of you that know little to nothing about Mom Jeans, prepare to be educated.

According to wikipedia:

Mom jeans is a satirical term for a perceived fit of women's jeans considered very unflattering, consisting of a high waist (a few inches above the belly button), which accentuates a flat curvature of the buttocks, as well as generous cuts in the stomach and leg. Usually the jeans are in a light-blue coloring, solid with no form of Stone washing. Other attributes of the Mom jeans style often seen are pleated fronts, partially elastic waistbands, and blouses tucked in to the jeans.

But in all seriousness, the mom jeans epidemic is not a joke. Millions of families suffer every year from shame, embarrassment, and pleat related injuries. Some families are even given false hope to see that their mother has given up mom jeans, only to find that she has traded them in for a boob job and ed hardy jeans.

Fortunately though, times they are a changin'.

HOWEVER! BE WARNED: MOM JEAN MANUFACTURERS HAVE NOT GIVEN UP THE FIGHT.

They are getting sneakier and more innovative. I have seen it first hand. Normal girls, not anywhere near being a mom, falling victim to the stealthy, less obvious breed of mom jean.The most common victim is the overly confident girl. The one who shops alone, or with their mother with little fashion sense. The one who thinks she has every boy's heart on lockdown. The one who thinks her cuteness trumps all ugliness that she may betroth. I am here to tell you, you will bag no honorable men wearing high wasted jeans, and no cuteness in the world can save you.

Here are some simple guidelines to save you from the pain and humiliation of falling victim to mom jeans:

1) NO ELASTIC WAIST BANDS. NOT FOR DENIM, EVER.

2) Whenever possible, steer clear of high waists.

3) The zipper should never be more than 4 inches long.

4) The back pockets should never even come close to covering your entire buttcheek.

5) The front pockets should always be small enough to never serve any purpose other than to fit some chapstick and maybe a couple of quarters for a diet coke later.

6) When in doubt, listen to Chingy.

Don't let this happen to you!

Dear Pandora, I've outsmarted you.

Often times, and stop me if you don't know the feeling here: Pandora gets out of control. You'll be listening to your Beach Boys radio or whatever tickles you and BAM! BAM! BAM! here's some MEATLOAF! OR other various ear bleeding music.

And it can be very troubling. but fear not, behold, the solution:

that's all. sorry, it's easier to post unimportant pictures. i'll get creative soon.

see.

top one reason why i have a crush on myself.

after stalking myself online, i found this.

observe, my youtube channel.

(note the only two favorites: fat parasailing and the testimony of the book of mormon. ca-ching.)

that's it, that's all.

My dog wears clothes.

Not that anyone asked..

but.

I always feel like Leonardo DiCaprio wishes he could be Brad Pitt. So I made this very brief picture post.

REASONS WHY BRAD PITT IS BETTER THAN LEONARDO DiCAPRIO

[Exhibit A]

[Exhibit B]

[Exhibit C]

[Exhibit D]

THIS.

[Exhibit E]

the age old question, with an obvious answer.

[EXHIBIT F]

BRAD'S VERSATILITY.

THERE'S A KIND OF BRAD PITT FOR EVERYONE.

but nobody panic, my heart still belongs to this creep.

..and then i roundhouse kicked the president..

Typically, my boyfriend (as seen on the far right in bed with his brother and their boyfriend.) will sleep until about 5 PM unless he gets a reasonable wakeup call from yours truly. He claims that he has sleep apnea. I can neither confirm nor deny this because contrary to what I will tell his grandma if she ever asks and also the prefix I selected on my iTunes account [Dr. Kynslie Coffin], I am not a doctor. At any rate, just to clarify, further testing is needed to determine what is wrong with him.

Whenever Tay wakes ME up in the morning with a phone call, he always tells me how cute my morning voice sounds. Oh how I wish I could say the same about him. He sounds like cookie monster but with a sore throat. (I choose this video because cookie monster is sitting with a less cute red head and that's what Taylor is into. You're welcome dear.) I have no other way to describe what he sounds like to you without doing an impression. So that's all you get.

Needless to say, on the phone, since he is tired and is basically gnawing on his phone while he speaks, it's nearly impossible to understand what he is saying. This wouldn't be a problem if the phone call went like this, RING RING RING tay: "*scratchy voice*..hello?" me: "hey!" tay: "dgkljskdjglkjglskjglkjsdglkjs?" me: "um.... good. anyway it's 10:30, so get up." tay: "k" me: "okay love you." hang up. because for the most part, i can just guess what he's saying and he wont know the difference.

BUT!

That is not how the story unfolds, without fail, he will always say (aka mumble/gurgle) "I had the craziest dream last night." and then I know I'm in for it. It's not so much that I don't care about his dreams, but they are ALL crazy, and none of them make any sense and usually I'm not in them. And we all know how self involved I am.

So typically this is how it goes down:

Tay: "I had the craziest dream last night..."
Me: "Cool."

Tay: "So me and this grrrurururrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr gugghhhhhhhhhhhrgurhghhgh ghruhrrrurururuurururughghhghghghghghghhgru gurhguhrguhrughurhg hhrgruuruhguhg hgurhguhrughruhgurhgurhguhg and then he had a knife hfhuehguheughehheg ehuugheuhgughguhu guhuehuehgeuhegh and then a you turned into a goose hgurehgurhughurhgurgh rughurhgurhguh ghhghguruur rhr rhughruhgurhhrhghur and you're gonna get mad but then i had a sexual encounter with Katherine Heigel rughrughhhghghghghhgghurhrughruhgurhgurhguhhgrruhgugurhgrh and then we were running hguhrguhrughurhgurhgurhgurghurhgruhgruhgurhg and everyone in Korea was eating Penis Jerky. hguehguheuheuhgurughruhguhg and then i roundhouse kicked the president in the fkn face! ghurhruhghghghghghurururururuhgh hgurhg urhgurh hgurhughrhh gguutututururururururuur hguuehugh and then i was pregnant like arnold swaguheuhgueghgg in that one movie he was pregnant in ghuerhruhrhrhruguggguuhggghghhgg and then the purple pig i gave birth to bit my nipple off and you died so i started dating this fat chick."

Me: *....stopped paying attention and hasn't realized it's over.*

Tay: "So isn't that crazy?"

Me: "Oh yeah."

Tay: "What was your favorite part?"

Me: "When it was over."

Now I'm sure some psycho freak girl who is secretly in love with him his reading this drooling over her fantasy about how much better she could treat him than me and thinking "what does he see in her??" and what I say to you young sirs, is that I am great in bed.

not really. who knows.

HEY!

i made these.

they're fkn awesome.