I miss my mommy. There, I said it.

*there is no particular reason why I am typing this post. but there are some things you should know before you proceed to read (if you dare)

• I am going to be blunt, and honest.
• This is not a pity party, and I in no way want any pity you are willing to give. Sympathy will be accepted, but no pity.
• This doesn’t make me an expert on losing someone close to you, nor does it means I understand EXACTLY what everyone who experiences loss is going through.

(sorry about the picture quality, it’s a picture of a picture. i don’t have scanner.)

Most of you reading this already know, that my mom died 6 years ago.

I have never, and believe I will never experience something that hard ever again. Especially because of how ill equipped i was to handle something like that then. I was FIFTEEN years old. FIFTEEN. I look at 15 year olds in all their “infinite wisdom” and dramatic immature lives, and I know I was exactly like that. How.. how did I make it out alive?

But here I am, I’m what society considers an adult, and what the Utah valley culture considers an old maid. without my mom on this earth with me.

I have a testimony, and a patriarchal blessing that tells me that she is on the other side of the veil, helping me get through this life.  But come on guys, we all know it’s not the same, it’s not the same to be able to just call your mom and complain about how work is stressing you out, and laugh about some ridiculous date you went on. Or to see her and give her a big hug.

Unless I die an early death (which I’m not planning on.) or the second coming comes in my lifetime, I have approximately 60 + years before I will get to see my mom again. That sucks balls.

Don’t get me wrong here, I’m not bitter. It’s just not easy. And don’t get me wrong a second time, I love the family that I do have around, ESPECIALLY my dad, my dad is amazing. But no one can be your mom. Not. a. single. person.

So I can cry and pout about it but it doesn’t change anything. But really what I’ve been trying to get at here, is to tell you about the woman who gave me life.

It isn’t HARD for me to talk about her, it’s just uncomfortable because people act strange when they know you lost your mom and you talk about her.  They really do.

To the people who came into my life after the departure of my mother’s soul: you seriously missed out.

There is so much of her instilled in me, and 99% of it isn’t by choice. I’m okay with that.

Here are some things I share with my mom:

• Disorganized.
• Late, always running late.
• Thick eyebrows
• Dirty mind
• Able to find humor in penis shaped objects.
• Charming
• Accepting of others (including misfits)
• Loud belching
• Always choosing terrible men. (Except sometimes)
• Etc.

My mom , Marnie Elizabeth, was beautiful, and not like she was beautiful when she was young, she was beautiful her whole time on earth. not just on the inside.

I’m not just saying nice things about her because she died. I’d say these things about her if she was alive. I really would.

People were naturally drawn to her, she was so kind and inviting. She was so terribly wonderful at making you feel like everything was going to be okay.

Unfortunately, all of her love and compassion was wasted on several WORTHLESS men, that NEVER ever appreciated what a truly spectacular woman she was. And if I could stab them all in the stomach a few times for that, I probably would. But really, she wouldn’t want me to.

My mom loved to fish, and I HATED it. Until after she died. I am almost positive that when I decided I liked to go fishing a couple of years ago, she was probably making fun of me.

I’m crying right now, so that means this is a good exercise for me, if you are still reading this, thank you for joining me.

In all honesty, I feel so terrible that all of my mom’s friends (and other family) had to lose her. She was irreplaceable, and I want everyone to know that I am doing my best to keep a part of her here on this earth with all the traits I inherited from her.

My mommy, probably wasn’t much like your mommy. But she was (is) a perfect fit for me. And if you’ve ever wondered “Where does she come up with this stuff?”

Well, now you know, it’s in my blood. (thanks to my pa as well.)

I love you mom, (or mother, as my 2 year old self would have said.) I think about you everyday.

-Wumpie.

i'm obscene.

Move over Obama, it’s time for a REAL change.

No, this isn’t a political post in the least bit. It’s a “self-help” post I guess.

Today, my dear friend Ashley, who has been mentioned in the last three of my posts, sent me a link to this woman’s blog:

NieNie Dialogues

To make a long story short, this woman and her husband were involved in a airplane crash in August of last year. Stephanie, suffered especially, physically. she looks like a completely different person, but she doesn’t wallow, she presses forward.

and I think…

What was I doing last August?

Well I was probably doing a lot of things, however, I know that intertwined with the events, boys, and crying over boys, I was moping around about how fat I was, how ugly my hair color was, how big my pores were, how unkempt my eyebrows were, how crooked my teeth were, about the pastiness of my skin. etc etc etc. [run on sentence to the max]

And someone was nearly dying, and being stripped of their outward beauty, not by choice.

Often times, I look back on pictures of myself and think “Look how cute I was, I wish I could have appreciated it then.” And guess what? I’m going to wish that I could appreciate how cute I was now in 3 years time, probably.

I. CAN’T. LIVE. LIKE. THIS.

photo: courtesy of taylor giddens

I am a beautiful girl. YOU are beautiful. The person who is reading this. Man and woman alike. We are beautiful people. Our physical faults are part of us, and some of them we can’t change.

So many of us, can not take a compliment. It was something I had to overcome as well.

If you’re reading this, and you have a difficult time take a compliment, next time someone says something nice about you, just say, “Thank you.” It feels good. Trust me.

Anyway, what I am simply getting at is that I don’t care what boys think, I don’t care what girls think, I don’t care what the media thinks, I don’t care what Tyra Banks and her judging panel thinks, everyone is beautiful to someone, which is reason enough to be beautiful to yourself.

Will you please, please stop insulting and downplaying yourself?  I only speak highly of you now.  I know you're afraid because you doubt your physical appearance.  I know you're afraid because you doubt your impact on my life.  But I have the same fears.  And no, I'm not the boy who says, "She's not the best looking, but she's really cool."

I am done downplaying myself, dear.

Hermana Case & Sister Howe

Ladies and gentlemen,

Behold, the most beautiful sister missionaries [soon to be] that ever lived:

A**ley.

Rachie.

 

I love these girls excuse me, WOMEN, so dearly that I felt the need to publicly display my affection and admiration for them. And also to brag about them.  It will be hard for me to see them go in the coming weeks, but I am so happy about why they are leaving that it’s hard to even think selfish thoughts like, “I wish they’d stay home.”

Truth be told, for a long time, I thought only ugly girls felt like they had to go on missions because they couldn’t get married. Until recently when all of my hot friends decided they were going to serve full-time missions! It is truly inspiring.

 

I guess what I should be doing is giving each of them a big shout out. Individually.

Ashley Marie,

This picture captures the essence of everything we are, we will be, and we love.  This girl, will blow your mind. She’s witty and charming. She has a spirit that draws people to her, including myself. She’s irresistible to men, and many hearts will be broken once she departs. Including my own. But she’s a selfless person and amazing example and everything I want in a friend, and for the second mother of my children (in a non-polygamist way). I love this girl with my entire being, and I already can’t wait for her to get back. Kindred spirits.

 

Rachel Marie,

She’ll probably take my life for putting this picture up. But I think she’s beautiful all the time. I am the only one who looks like a creep. Rachie is the kind of friend I wish every person could have in life and especially through high school. She’s loyal, clever, and inviting. She makes you feel important and is wise beyond her years. She’s the classiest girl that I know, and not in an annoying way, in a classy way. I am so grateful for her example and love and support she’s always given me. I love you Rachael! You are monumental.

 

These two girls are going to be AMAZING, and I know it. I am pretty sure they didn’t get called to the same mission because the world would have exploded, and ya gotta spread out the perfection. I am so excited for the journeys they are both about to embark on.

THANK YOU BOTH FOR BEING SUCH WONDERFUL EXAMPLES AND LIGHTING UP MY LIFE.

FILTHY. but genuinely arousing.

here's the thing, i have about a half hour before the last session of conference. And I realized, I haven't written anything in a long time. This was not premeditated, so if it sucks, I won't be held responsible.

September treats me like crap, we've had a pretty dysfunctional relationship for a long time now. If I could sleep through it's tyranic 30 day reign, I would.

The only good things that happened in September was meeting Saosin. And also this amazing dream I had. about Anthony Green. Also, the release of the Brand New album, Daisy.

I don't want to go into detail with the things that September threw at me this year, but it was pretty disappointing nonetheless. Death, illness, failed trust, miscommunication, etc. etc. etc.

two of my really good friends are about to go on missions, A**ley and Rachael.

I am so proud of them, but that will come later.

Here are some websites I've been liking:
http://thatswhatshimsaid.blogspot.com
http://www.mylifeisaverage.com
http://www.everythingisterrible.com
http://www.twitter.com/kynslie (self promotion of my micro blogging.)



anyway, i have nothing else good to say but that I love my life, family, my friends, and most definitely the gospel.

General Conference has been the medicine pack I needed to heal the zombie wounds that September left.