top one reason why i have a crush on myself.

after stalking myself online, i found this.

observe, my youtube channel.

(note the only two favorites: fat parasailing and the testimony of the book of mormon. ca-ching.)

that's it, that's all.

My dog wears clothes.

Not that anyone asked..

but.

I always feel like Leonardo DiCaprio wishes he could be Brad Pitt. So I made this very brief picture post.

REASONS WHY BRAD PITT IS BETTER THAN LEONARDO DiCAPRIO

[Exhibit A]

[Exhibit B]

[Exhibit C]

[Exhibit D]

THIS.

[Exhibit E]

the age old question, with an obvious answer.

[EXHIBIT F]

BRAD'S VERSATILITY.

THERE'S A KIND OF BRAD PITT FOR EVERYONE.

but nobody panic, my heart still belongs to this creep.

..and then i roundhouse kicked the president..

Typically, my boyfriend (as seen on the far right in bed with his brother and their boyfriend.) will sleep until about 5 PM unless he gets a reasonable wakeup call from yours truly. He claims that he has sleep apnea. I can neither confirm nor deny this because contrary to what I will tell his grandma if she ever asks and also the prefix I selected on my iTunes account [Dr. Kynslie Coffin], I am not a doctor. At any rate, just to clarify, further testing is needed to determine what is wrong with him.

Whenever Tay wakes ME up in the morning with a phone call, he always tells me how cute my morning voice sounds. Oh how I wish I could say the same about him. He sounds like cookie monster but with a sore throat. (I choose this video because cookie monster is sitting with a less cute red head and that's what Taylor is into. You're welcome dear.) I have no other way to describe what he sounds like to you without doing an impression. So that's all you get.

Needless to say, on the phone, since he is tired and is basically gnawing on his phone while he speaks, it's nearly impossible to understand what he is saying. This wouldn't be a problem if the phone call went like this, RING RING RING tay: "*scratchy voice*..hello?" me: "hey!" tay: "dgkljskdjglkjglskjglkjsdglkjs?" me: "um.... good. anyway it's 10:30, so get up." tay: "k" me: "okay love you." hang up. because for the most part, i can just guess what he's saying and he wont know the difference.

BUT!

That is not how the story unfolds, without fail, he will always say (aka mumble/gurgle) "I had the craziest dream last night." and then I know I'm in for it. It's not so much that I don't care about his dreams, but they are ALL crazy, and none of them make any sense and usually I'm not in them. And we all know how self involved I am.

So typically this is how it goes down:

Tay: "I had the craziest dream last night..."
Me: "Cool."

Tay: "So me and this grrrurururrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr gugghhhhhhhhhhhrgurhghhgh ghruhrrrurururuurururughghhghghghghghghhgru gurhguhrguhrughurhg hhrgruuruhguhg hgurhguhrughruhgurhgurhguhg and then he had a knife hfhuehguheughehheg ehuugheuhgughguhu guhuehuehgeuhegh and then a you turned into a goose hgurehgurhughurhgurgh rughurhgurhguh ghhghguruur rhr rhughruhgurhhrhghur and you're gonna get mad but then i had a sexual encounter with Katherine Heigel rughrughhhghghghghhgghurhrughruhgurhgurhguhhgrruhgugurhgrh and then we were running hguhrguhrughurhgurhgurhgurghurhgruhgruhgurhg and everyone in Korea was eating Penis Jerky. hguehguheuheuhgurughruhguhg and then i roundhouse kicked the president in the fkn face! ghurhruhghghghghghurururururuhgh hgurhg urhgurh hgurhughrhh gguutututururururururuur hguuehugh and then i was pregnant like arnold swaguheuhgueghgg in that one movie he was pregnant in ghuerhruhrhrhruguggguuhggghghhgg and then the purple pig i gave birth to bit my nipple off and you died so i started dating this fat chick."

Me: *....stopped paying attention and hasn't realized it's over.*

Tay: "So isn't that crazy?"

Me: "Oh yeah."

Tay: "What was your favorite part?"

Me: "When it was over."

Now I'm sure some psycho freak girl who is secretly in love with him his reading this drooling over her fantasy about how much better she could treat him than me and thinking "what does he see in her??" and what I say to you young sirs, is that I am great in bed.

not really. who knows.

HEY!

i made these.

they're fkn awesome.

Facebook.

Luckily for all of you i've been in SUPER ANNOYED WITH EVERYTHING MODE.

You'd think I'd stay off of places like Facebook when I have this problem, but guess what? I don't.

SO, with that said, i've got some things to say.

Dear Foodies,

I know you think everyone cares what you had for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. But guess what unless you ate a human, or lawn chair, NOBODY CARES.

Dear Marrieds,

Unless he recently saved you from a fire, it's father's day, or your anniversary (and I'm being generous.) I do not want to read about how amazing your husband is. Unless he dutch ovened you in bed.

Dear Drama Kings/Queens,

Seriously. Stop with the boo hoo cryptic posts that are so obviously desperate cries for attention. If you want my attention, you're going to have to earn it, and with a status update that says something like, "This is the last time. I'm done." I'm not impressed. And it makes me want to puke whenever I see someone comment "What's wrong?"

Dear Music Lovers,

I get it, you love that song. But stop posting lyrics. I don't care if you know how to put little

♫ on the outisde of the words. I DON'T. CARE. don't care.

Dear Old People,

Cancel your account.

Dear Bloggers,

Facebook is not a blog, please stop with the recaps of your entire day.

Dear Funny people,

None of these rules apply to you (including the old people) Keep up the good work.

Remember that one time?

Remember that one time I was going to go on a media fast?

Well, I still haven't worked up the balls for it.

Maybe after the last episode of the hills next week.

OMG! Speaking of, can you believe Kristin actually CRIED?

More importantly, can you believe I even care?

I am just as lame as everyone else, I'm just better at hiding it.